😎 My Origin Story... From 10 to 20 Years Old
Have you ever felt rejected? It kind of stinks doesn't it? I mean, with regards to rejection and also not feeling "good enough" -- Comparing yourself to others? My name's Rose, and I also go by Jackson Hole Rose. Today I'm going to talk to you a little bit about rejection and not feeling "good enough" and comparing yourself to others.
And when it started happening for me, when I was 10 to 20 - because now we're talking about my origin story from when I was 10 years old to 20 years old. Which I'm pretty sure for yourself if you were ever to do this, it's kind of hard to pull out all the things... Because we're talking about grammar school, high school and then after high school -- which I went to college. So there's a lot of things in there.
So I suppose I should just get started!
I'm just going to tell you a little bit about my origin story and how I started feeling these feelings. So, first of all, I can tell you 10 years old is about fifth grade. And in fifth grade, I did not have good hair. I would say I had bad hair from 10 to about 14 years old. It was shorter and I didn't know it was curly until I started growing it longer, and so that's how I looked more in high school with long curly hair.
But I actually was modeling from age 12 and 13 because I had talked to my mom, I wanted to do modeling and acting and go on commercials and I lived very close to New York City because I grew up on Long Island. And, or Lawg Eyelind -- how everyone says it there. Right? They tawk like this.
In my other origin story, you'll know that I changed my voice at 7 years old so I did not sound like my parents. My father was from Brooklyn, my mother from Queens. So anyhoo, I had bad hair, but still I did the modeling and the acting.
Except the only problem was there was a lot of rejection happening and when you're at that tender age there and no one's really talking you through it, I absolutely did not feel "good enough." I felt like, I'm terrible at this. I'm just never going to be good. No one's ever going to accept me and I should just quit.
So when I was 13, I told my mom I didn't want to do it anymore. And I remember her asking me very closely, are you sure? And of course being a 13-year-old, I was like yeah, I'm sure I don't want to do it anymore!
You know like how a teenager would act. I was that teenager.
But so I was still very good at acting and singing, and well my own kind of dancing, if you know what I mean. Not really coordinated. And I was the lead in my eighth grade play. How exciting was that! It was kind of nerve-wracking for me, but I did well.
And my mom knew that I loved acting, so the high school that I picked was hundreds of people - instead of the small little grammar school I went to. And they had a theater program. So I was super excited to be able to be in the theater program and do the different types of things. You know there they do that all the time instead of just one production per, you know, year you're in school.
So I went to a summer camp that was for acting at my high school before I became a freshman. And I got to meet all the people, like in advance - I made friends in advance. It was really fun and they put me in a little skit for Fiddler on the Roof.
Now if you've never seen this particular item, which actually to this day I still never have, they put me in as the lead of Maria. And Maria was Spanish, and well? I gave it my best go. And people were asking me after my performance if I was Spanish or I knew how to speak Spanish. And of course I didn't, but I learned how to pronounce everything properly in the production, right? It wasn't really a production, it was like a skit that we were doing.
But it got me a lot of visibility in high school. But before high school really started, so I was super excited because I really loved this path that I was on. I loved acting, singing, a little bit of dancing, this kind of thing - except when I got to high school here's what happened...
There was someone else that was better than me.
And not just better than me, they were better than ANYBODY.
Hmmm, you know like that really really smart kid in school?
They're just so good at everything, they're just so smart, they just are the smartest kid in the class. Well this person was basically an anomaly. And they could sing, act and dance, coordinated. Like unbelievably, and they still do.
And their kids. Apparently they got married and had children that are also little anomalies of that person. Anyway, I don't want to name names here, but anyone from my high school that's reading this would be like, "Oh, I know exactly who she's talking about."
Well, anyway -- It's MY story. LOL just kidding.
What I'm saying is this was my first feeling that I was not good enough. Like wow. I must really suck. I'm not good at this. I probably should just kind of hang back in the shadows.
And that is exactly what I did, I hung back in the shadows.
I was cast for, you know, a solo here and there, but it wasn't really, you know... This person as a freshman got the lead in the big production play that the entire school is in. It's kind of a big deal, because they were a freshman.
Anyway, so the anomaly. I compared myself to others, but really I got into other things. And what I did was I started getting interested in fashion, in beauty, in makeup, in clothing, in boys. And I think in high school I had a new boyfriend every month. That was kind of fun.
I just remember my mom saying, "Well, I don't want you to just have one boyfriend. I want you to be able to date everybody." And she told me in my 20s that she didn't mean that LITERALLY. But well? I did :) I kind of had a new boyfriend every month -- it was fun.
But so, I got into other things. And I was a very popular junior in high school, so I know what it's like to be a popular kid. But I went from being a very popular girl to a very UNpopular girl in 12th grade.
So I know how it feels to be on both sides of the table, being a popular girl and being a girl that is being teased, which I talked about in my other origin story - when I was about 10. You know stories that I spoke about, which was being coddled as a baby but also being mercilessly teased as a kid, and then learning how to make and keep friends when I was 10.
I wanted to go to college and I wanted to go to college at UCLA. What I didn't know is my mother told my guidance counselor that she didn't want me to go to California. She didn't want me to go all the way to California (which is where I am visiting now). And she told me this when I was 35 - to have my guidance counselor actually talk me out of going to UCLA in California, because I really wanted to go to film school.
That took a lot of breathing exercises to get right with what my mother had done. And she apologized, which you know - that's all fair and good and stuff - but I had a very different life.
So then I switched gears, I wanted to go to Marist College and there they had this little area there, that was music right? And you can get a music minor if you got a scholarship. Basically they called it a music scholarship but it was a singing scholarship.
I went to my theater director in high school, his name was Mr. Hoare. H-O-A-R-E. I think that’s German, but of course we all had a field day with it. So I went to him and of course he was all about this other person, because they were amazing and wonderful and an anomaly, like I said. Which really, they were.
And I said, "Hey you know, I really want to do this music scholarship. Can you help me practice? And he said, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know here I am as a senior in high school, with not a lot of friends again. I did have some friends, but you know I wasn't the popular girl anymore. So what happened was he helped me practice. I'd go into school, into high school early, so I could practice what I needed to sing for the woman who I was going to audition for, for college.
So I went to that audition and there was this little gal, like she's even shorter than this camera. Her name was Dorothy Ann Davis. She was a lovely little old lady and she was playing the piano while I auditioned. I don't even remember the song I sang, but I sang my heart out for her. And it was just her and no audience, so I kind of felt like oh, I can do this - because I have a problem with audiences and singing.
She popped up off the stool when I was done. She was like, "Oh! That was that was wonderful!" And she's like and this is what the group does and we travel and this and that… and I was like okay? And then all sudden she goes, "OH! You have the scholarship."
And I was like, "I, I do?" Oh okay, right, like this is great because my parents told me if I kept the scholarship they would pay for the rest of my college. If I wanted money to spend on myself, I had to get a job. Which I had three jobs in college.
But here's one of the other things I remember... is going back to Mr. Hoare, who was my theater teacher in high school, and I said, "Oh my gosh I got it! I got the scholarship!" And I remember him looking at me and saying, "You did?"
Like with a half smile, like you know, like when people force it. And I said, "Yeah, yeah, I got it." And he said, "Wow, that's great." He's like, "Great, congratulations." And I'll just never forget how he looked so fake to me. Like his immediate reaction was like... Ohhh...
Anyway, Dorothy Ann loved me, and she taught me how to sing all kinds of things. Because I can sing secular music, operas -- which in case you didn't know, I had to sing in 3 different music groups in college and we traveled around the US, in addition to Canada. And then I went to Greece and I was cast in an opera. For the Cinderella Opera.
Can you guess what role they had me play?
I'll let you think about it.
So I sang in Greece in the Cinderella Opera. I was only 20 years old, so -- 19 or 20. So I didn't REALLY kind of appreciate the experience, but of course I do now as an adult as we all do.
And I loved going to college because I really loved what I was going to school for. I went to school for TV and radio. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to be on TV and / or radio. Both. Both the things.
And I was writing all kinds of radio scripts... I was creating and crafting story boards for TV shows... I was writing scripts for TV.
Like I wrote a Roseanne script with my college friends as a project, and that was super fun. And I loved it so, so much.
And then all of a sudden, I was wasn't feeling "good enough." Why? Because someone came right on over and popped my balloon.
My dad said when I was 20 years old, "You're going to live out of a dumpster if you think you can make anything of yourself on TV or radio." You know, he's from Brooklyn. He had this heavy accent & it sounds mean.
And then I thought crap.
Am I going in the wrong direction?
I don't want to live out of a trash can, right?
Because you sometimes take that stuff literally when you're younger like 19, 20, 21. Very impressionable.
So I stopped doing what I loved and what I did instead is I changed my major. I didn't change it from Communications, because that's kind of my bag, right? I love communications. But I changed it to Public Relations, which is a completely different track.
And I mean, I was doing so good in school. I almost got a 4.0 grade average one semester. I got four A's and a B+. I almost killed that teacher. But I think back on it now and go, gosh. Why was I so influenced by someone telling me I wasn't "good enough" and me feeling like I wasn't "good enough." Feeling rejected by my own father for what I was trying to go to school for.
And so I listened to him.
And I finished my degree, and graduated with a degree in public relations. Not TV and radio.
And so, since today's story is from 10 to 20, that's all you get for now. Again, I am telling you my origin story on purpose, and on the beach here in Santa Monica.
If you do know me - you know that I am a polar bear that loves ocean water. And that's why I live in Wyoming, because I can't stand the heat. It’s such a lovely view of the ocean, I had to do it. Malibu is also in the background.
So, that's it for now. Feeling not enough, like not "good enough," rejected, and also comparing myself to others.
And of course thinking I was going to live out of a dumpster. Which I never did.
⏰ I’m LIVE every Tue at 2!
That's Tuesdays at 2 PM Mountain Time, on YouTube.
F Perfect!
Keep it real & stand out by streaming live...
It's your authentic edge in the AI age 💥
Rose Caiazzo AKA: Jackson Hole Rose
On-Camera Strategist & Live Streaming Coach
Based out of fabulous Jackson Hole, Wyoming
🌹Connect with me on social media! @JacksonHoleRose
View this on YouTube in video form:
